Following into the Dark: Solitude and Community

I heard this song by Deathcab for Cutie this weekend, while taking my son Eric to music camp at St Olaf College:


It's full of that "alone yet together" angst..... I love these lyrics!


I Will Follow You Into The Dark

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Sometimes I get the feeling that there are very few of us out there who really think about the eternal things. This is not meant to dis-respect the seekers and our other co-religionists who present a very ubiquitous presence in the "media" and on the Internet. But when we actually do find each other, we need to hold onto each other, and walk by each other.


Yesterday I shared an all too brief lunch with a spiritual leader whom I respect very much. We were both busy, and so a large part of our lunch was taken up with sharing our differing "journeys" on the road to community. That's an on-going journey as well as a deep sharing that can take place only over time. But even after that brief hour I glimpsed some wonderful truths about life in community.


First, there is a real "hidden-pearl" joy of discovery which occurs when one encounters a group of people who share values and lifestyle similar to one's own. I have spent so many years in my life praying privately (Liturgy of the Hours) and solo in a communal setting (Mass) that the real excitement of finding others who share my mind-set had really been almost lost. Yesterday it was re-kindled.

But this morning I was also reminded of the other side of that truth... the need to do things in such a way that glory and attention are drawn to God and not to self. Today's gospel:

Mt 6,1-6.16-18.


(But) take care not to perform righteous deeds in order that people may see them; otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father. When you give alms, do not blow a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets to win the praise of others. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward.


But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right is doing, so that your almsgiving may be secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you. When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, who love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on street corners so that others may see them. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward.


But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.


When you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites. They neglect their appearance, so that they may appear to others to be fasting. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, so that you may not appear to be fasting, except to your Father who is hidden. And your Father who sees what is hidden will repay you."


Finding others who share one's values and lifestyle is a valuable part of the spiritual journey. But it's never the whole story. There is also an internal, secret-garden aspect which can be nurtured by community, but which community itself can never replace.


There needs to be a part of us which we share with God alone, a quiet place, an alone (if not lonely) place, an empty place. Henri Nouwen spoke of that place, at once very private and really the most public:

"We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal.

What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our most secret thoughts affect our common life."


God give us grace to find each other and finding each other, to find Him.

Bearding the Monk: Everything Stands by Compassion

Today is the Feast Day of St Pachomius in the Benedictine calendar, celebrated on May 15th in the Christian East. In this icon Pachomius' mentor St. Paleron is the monk with the longer beard, ostensibly to show his greater wisdom. The shorter, red beard of Pachomius indicates his youth, and also his eagerness to learn the ways of God. And he certainly was eager.

We can learn a few things from him.

Pachomius was born in Eqypt in the late 200's and was converted after observing the kindesses of Egyptian Christians to oppressed Roman soldiers, of which he was one. He went on to embrace the monastic life, and became the first to write a rule for cenobites, or those who live in monastic community. His rule, based somewhat on the canon practice of St Augustine, became one source of Basil's and later Benedict's Rule. Pachomius was also the first to advocate use of a prayer rope, ostensibly the fore-runner of the Jesus prayer and Jesus beads as well as the Western rosary.

If Pachomius had been a Minnesotan, we would have said that he had "issues" with church leadership and community life.

My favorite story about Pachomius is when Athanasius came calling in 333 A.D. The great creedal Christian bishop intended to reward Pachomius for his defense of orthodoxy by ordaining him to the priesthood. Pachomius fled away, worrying that the worldly honor would derail his journey to God with his community. He never was ordained, nor were any in his community.

Even more helpful for us who live in modern community is this snippet from the Asketikon, a history of Pachomius' monastic followers (as cited in Benedictine Daily Prayer: A Short Breviary, pp. 1890-91).

Listen for Pachomius' pre-occupation with self and his exasperation concerning community/ churchly life.

Then, marvel at the divine response.

"Abba Pachomius saw an endless congregation of brethern, and they were making their way along a deep and gloomy valley. Many of them came with the intention of going up out of that valley, but were unable to do so; so many of them met each other face to face, but because of the great density of the darkness, they did not recognize each other; many fell down through exhaustion, and others were crying out mournfully.

Pachomius cried out to God with tears and said: 'O Lord God, who sustains the universe, if it is indeed to be thus, why do you permit these monasteries to come into being? And if those who are to be governors over the brethren be wicked, what is to become of those who are to be governed by them?For when the blind lead the blind, both fall into the ditch.

I have toiled absolutely in vain! Remember, O Lord, my works and those of these brethren. They submitted to be governed with all their souls. Remember that you did promise me, saying, 'until the end of the world I will allow this spiritual seed to exist.' You know, O Lord, that from the time when I put on the garb of the monks, I have never satisfied myself with anything that grows upon the earth, not even with water.'

Pachomius then heard a voice saying:'You boast of yourself, O Pachomius. You are a man. Ask mercy for yourself, because everything stands by compassion.'"

Where Holiness and Community Meet

One question Father Charlie Lachowitzer had proposed to me for my retreat:

Why is it that so often the call to community and the call to personal holiness seem to be mutally exclusive?

In parish life it often seems that parishes filled with holy people are often "zero" in the category of community life; their worship and common life seems like parallel play. On the other hand, parishes with a vibrant community life often seem to have a spiritual life that's a mile wide but an inch deep.

That dichotomy extends to our own personal lives. I had been finding it so in my own life for at least the last 3 months. This weekend one bridge for that chasm came to me, oddly enough while I was washing dishes in the Abbey kitchen, helping a very excellent chef in my own small way with the preparation for the common Sunday meal.

All I could hear was the phrase from Paul's letter to the Colossians, (1:24) :

"for I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in the affliction of Christ on behalf of his body, which is the Church."

The remainder of the chapter is filled with sollioquy and song about the cosmic Christ, his sufferings and resurrection. But in this verse is where the contact point comes.... it is exactly in the every day arena of the community where Christ's sufferings become real and effectual... in the rubbing and grinding as we find our way day by day to be together in the presence of the Crucified and Risen Christ. Wherever we offer ourselves in service to others we continue to fill up our world with the Presence of the Crucified.

What a gift to be given, and to be received.

I am reminded of Frederick Buechner's saying, which is plastered on the wall of the Shared Ministry Room in my parish:

"to find your vocation you must find where your greatest joy meets the world’s great need."

Loneliness, Longing and Love

Well, its been a semi rough patch here in the old house. We have just about survived a tumultuous renonvation (three months) and my sons are down to only one weekend visit per month... from their previous usual two or more. I can still recall the days of being a more or less full time dad, 3 weeknights and every other weekend. Seems like yesterday.

At the same time I am feeling that creeping loneliness of being somewhat single as well as single minded. I have my work, which I love and my church activities which give me a lot of deep joy and my formation as a worldly monastic, or an oblate, or a third order, whatever you choose to call it.

But deep inside there is a growing longing to be alone with God, even as that same longing produces a very tangible loneliness. Yes, I know that God is my All and that I can and do turn to Him many times every day.

But lately I've begun to suspect that there is some unsuspected, hidden connection between my interior life and the capacity to love another or many others as Christ loves us.

Now my spiritual director has me reading some of Hans Urs von Balthasar, and this Catholic systematician seems to have a communitarian and mystical streak in him a mile wide and just as deep. I discovered that he helped a German woman found a secular institute, a group for people who want to live the consecrated life of poverty, chastity and obedience, while also staying "in the world."

I've often doubted whether that could truly be done, but I am interested enough to find out just what happened to this group. But first, I've told myself, I'll read an introduction to Balthasar and his book on the Christian State of Life. Only then can I truly appreciate the historical circumstances that led Balthasar et al to form this community. Then, perhaps I might also find some help for my own journey, as solo as that has been thus far.

Holy Family, Human Family

All too many among us (myself included) can't seems to relate to the Holy Family (Jesus, Mary, and Joseph). After all, they are all three superstars in the saintly firmament.

I am feeling this distance especially keenly today. I have spent some time this holiday seasons with both of my sons and my dad and step mom as well. I felt a little put off by the experience. My parents are elderly, live three states away and we find it hard to talk about religion since my conversion to the Roman Catholic faith. They are both Missouri Synod Lutherans, and so we just don't talk much about our faith life, although all of us have deeply held beliefs. Likewise, with my sons who are teenagers talking about spiritual things is often quite difficult.

Even so, I cherish the hope that someday, somehow, my own fractured nuclear family, my parish family and my community household (being formed as I write this) will all be used by God to do God's work in my life.

The families and other communities of which we are all a part function as God's sandpaper, used to rub off our rough edges and train us in loving service to the other. In that way, we begin to resemble more closely the heavenly family of Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Their divine communion is based solely on self giving love, not mutual attraction, advantage or some other less durable glue.

A word about family formats. By family I mean nuclear June and Ward Cleaver families. But I also mean single parent families, blended families, households of unrelated persons (my own situation) and all the other permutations we see in this broken world. Yes, it is most desirable that we all be raised by a mother and father who are in a relationship of life-long commitment. However, the reality is far different.

Any or all of the above can be the schools where God teaches us virtue and love, as our Holy Father Benedict indicated in the Introduction of his Rule:

And so we are going to establish a school for the service of the Lord.
In founding it we hope to introduce nothing harsh or burdensome.
But if a certain strictness results from the dictates of equity for the amendment of vices or the preservation of charity,
do not be at once dismayed and fly from the way of salvation,
whose entrance cannot but be narrow (Matt. 7:14).
For as we advance in the religious life and in faith,
our hearts expand and we run the way of God's commandments
with unspeakable sweetness of love (Ps. 118:32).
Thus, never departing from His school,
but persevering in the monastery
according to His teaching until death,
we may by patience share in the sufferings of Christ (1 Peter 4:13)
and deserve to have a share also in His kingdom.

It really is tough to persevere in this school, especially when your classmates become a bother. But the effort is worth it. Another Benedict ( Pope Benedict XVI) echoes a similar theme:

The family is the privileged setting where every person learns to give and receive love.... The family is also a school which enables men and women to grow to the full measure of their humanity...

O God, who in the Holy Family left us a perfect model of family life lived in faith and obedience to your will, help us to examples of faith and love for your commandments.

"I will come and cure him"

Today's gospel (Matthew 8:5-11) reveals a three fold context for the prayer of humble access which we pray before receiving Christ at each Mass. 'Lord, I am not worthy to receive you."


The centurion wants his servant to be healed, and approaches Jesus. Jesus replies, "I will come and cure him." The Centurion demurs, saying that he is not worthy that the Lord should visit his home. Truly, this was the case because in Palestinian society the Roman centurion would never expect a pious Jewish teacher to risk defilement by visiting his residence. The Centurion approachs Christ with humility. He humbly recognizies his shortcomings and confesses them publicly, an unheard-of act for a Roman centurion in the midst of a conquered people.


However, the Centurion goes a step further, recognizing the power and authority of God present in Jesus. "You have the authority, the blessing of God," he proclaims, "to do this merciful act. It's all about You, Jesus." The Centurion is a man who approaches God with faith. The Centurion recognizes that God does what He wills, and His will is that people be whole and complete. What a great way to wait for Jesus.... humbly, but with confidence in God's great ability to bring good out of ill.

The last ingredient is also important. The Centurion recognizes the importance of community in the healing process. Without another to plead for him, to love him, to bring him to Jesus, the Centurion's servant would be lost. The Centurion's public appeal reflects an implicit recognition of the important role community plays in the healing process. The Centruion could have gone to Jesus privately, or sent someone else to ask for help for his servant. But, noooooo. The centurion came himself, and he came in the presence of others on behalf of another. And Jesus rewarded that brave commitment. If we are going to be healed.,we are to be healed with others.

This Advent we come to God in three ways:
1. humbly confessing our sins with humility,
2. acknowledging God's power with faith and
3. knowing that we are part of a larger faith community with one another.


There, as my friend Will likes to say, "none of us will be saved without the others."


Lord, let us see your kindness,
and grant us your salvation.